Is it sad that I’m secretly jealous of almost all of my
friends? I mean, here I am an almost 21-year-old virgin and I have one friend
whom is pregnant with her second child and my best friend has just started
sleeping with her new boyfriend and she already has a 1-year-old son. I mean,
why am I the only one who is so alone? Why am I the one who is probably gonna
die alone?
I like to think I’m kinda pretty, some-what smart… and why does
it seem like the only guys that seem interested in me seem like complete
weirdoes? And I hate it when people ask me if I’m a lesbian. I’m very much into
guys thank you very much. I mean, I remember having a crush a boy when I was in
kindergarten. I had a crush on this other guy when I was in 5th
grade. I had another crush on a guy I worked with, turned out to be a jerk whom
probably never had any feelings for me what-so-ever anyway and he just played
around with my emotions, but I digress. My most recent crush probably already
had a girlfriend (or boyfriend, I wasn’t sure if he was gay or not) and I didn’t
want to be that BADWORD that ended a perfectly happy couple. And since I
started college I haven’t met anyone that I am remotely attracted to. Is there
something wrong with me? Am I ever going to meet the guy that’s right for me? Or
am I going to die alone?
I’m starting to think that my fear of dying along is going to
come true and that I’m going to die a virgin as well. And, I’m never gonna have
a child of my own. I guess I could adopt, but it’s not the same. I won’t have a
“giving birth” story like everyone I’ve ever known and my adopted kid might
grow up and resent me because I’m not their real mother. I mean, what am I supposed
to do? I always thought that when I switched from a privet to a public school, I’d
get a boyfriend… but that dream never came true. So, I told myself that I’d find
someone in college. Next fall will be my 3rd year and I got zip. Granted,
technically, I’m still a freshman, but still! I feel like I’m gonna run out of
eggs before I ever get a boyfriend. I’ll be up in the old folks’ home with no
living family to come and visit me (or for me to pester about not visiting me).
I’m not going to become a crazy cat lady because I’m not a huge
fan of cats. I mean, they’re kind-of annoying, and they like to scratch things.
I’m more of a dog person. But, I’m in the middle of no-where and I’m not gonna
meet anyone if a take my dogs out for a walk around my yard.
I just needed to get this off my chest.
~Kayman
