Is it sad?

Is it sad that I’m secretly jealous of almost all of my friends? I mean, here I am an almost 21-year-old virgin and I have one friend whom is pregnant with her second child and my best friend has just started sleeping with her new boyfriend and she already has a 1-year-old son. I mean, why am I the only one who is so alone? Why am I the one who is probably gonna die alone?

I like to think I’m kinda pretty, some-what smart… and why does it seem like the only guys that seem interested in me seem like complete weirdoes? And I hate it when people ask me if I’m a lesbian. I’m very much into guys thank you very much. I mean, I remember having a crush a boy when I was in kindergarten. I had a crush on this other guy when I was in 5^th grade. I had another crush on a guy I worked with, turned out to be a jerk whom probably never had any feelings for me what-so-ever anyway and he just played around with my emotions, but I digress. My most recent crush probably already had a girlfriend (or boyfriend, I wasn’t sure if he was gay or not) and I didn’t want to be that BADWORD that ended a perfectly happy couple. And since I started college I haven’t met anyone that I am remotely attracted to. Is there something wrong with me? Am I ever going to meet the guy that’s right for me? Or am I going to die alone?

I’m starting to think that my fear of dying along is going to come true and that I’m going to die a virgin as well. And, I’m never gonna have a child of my own. I guess I could adopt, but it’s not the same. I won’t have a “giving birth” story like everyone I’ve ever known and my adopted kid might grow up and resent me because I’m not their real mother. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I always thought that when I switched from a privet to a public school, I’d get a boyfriend… but that dream never came true. So, I told myself that I’d find someone in college. Next fall will be my 3^rd year and I got zip. Granted, technically, I’m still a freshman, but still! I feel like I’m gonna run out of eggs before I ever get a boyfriend. I’ll be up in the old folks’ home with no living family to come and visit me (or for me to pester about not visiting me).

I’m not going to become a crazy cat lady because I’m not a huge fan of cats. I mean, they’re kind-of annoying, and they like to scratch things. I’m more of a dog person. But, I’m in the middle of no-where and I’m not gonna meet anyone if a take my dogs out for a walk around my yard.

I just needed to get this off my chest.

~Kayman